STE: Twelve Days 1
by ZenosParadox
Summary: RS, Tu. The Enterprise crew encounters a partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves and three French hens as only they can. 3 of 3 chapters, first of four episodes.
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Title: Twelve Days 1Author: ZenosParadox  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: RS, Tu. Reed and Sato experience a partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves and three French hens as only they can. Light, fluffy, cliché-filled fic. 3 of 3 chapters.  
  
Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.  
  
TWELVE DAYS 1  
  
A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE  
  
December 26  
  
Commander Tucker looked over his coffee cup at Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. "Couldn't ya just've shot me with a phase pistol 'fore I drank up the rest of the bourbon?"  
  
The Chief Engineer looked accusingly at the Armory Officer who appeared to be in chipper spirits this morning. Reed smiled slightly as he speared his pancakes and said, "After that little stunt you pulled to embarrass me with Hoshi under the mistletoe, you deserve every miserable ache, Commander."  
  
"Me? Ya think I'd actually set ya up like that?" Tucker now had his fingers crossed behind his back.   
  
"Commander," Tucker grimaced at THAT tone coming from Reed, but the Lieutenant continued, "I heard Travis apologizing to Hoshi for bumping into her to send her tumbling into me. Apparently he was trying to avoid stepping on Porthos who was making a run for it."  
  
"Porthos, huh?" said Tucker as he rubbed his head.  
  
"Porthos. Yes, the resident canine who has learned to respond to certain whistles emitted by certain--well, need I say more, Commander," ended Reed.  
  
Tucker shrugged. No wonder Reed was the tactical officer. He'd get on Travis' case later; the helmsman wasn't as innocent as he appeared. Whistling to Porthos had just been fortuitous. The dog had been about to make another run at T'Pol, so of course Tucker had to intervene. "You can't convince me you didn't like that little kiss from Sato Claus. You know, you look kinda cute when you turn all red like that. Now, don't worry, it's just the hangover talking, but the red is definitely cute."  
  
"Who looks cute?" asked Ensign Hoshi Sato as she came to sit with the two officers. She, too, seemed in good spirits this morning as she took her place opposite Reed and Tucker.  
  
"You did, darlin'. You were absolutely the finest Santa on any starship. Right, Malcolm?" asked Tucker with a nudge to Reed.   
  
Reed wound up biting his cheek, so could only mumble, "Mmhm."  
  
Not a very enthusiastic confirmation of her cuteness, thought Sato, and the pained expression on Reed's face did nothing to assuage her ego.   
  
Reed noticed the rather stiff posture and, worse, The Look on Sato's face. He swallowed his last bit of food and decided not to find out what he'd done this time. "Trip, I'll help you prep the shuttlepod for the mission this afternoon. We should be reaching the planet by mid-morning."  
  
The men did a hasty retreat to the launch bay leaving Sato alone with her thoughts. The Lieutenant was like a faucet that couldn't decide whether it provided hot or cold water. He was just so confusing! She distracted herself by considering her own preparations for the mission. Sentient plant life might be similar to dealing with sentient male life.  
  
-----  
  
"Sentient plant life! Wow! Can it get any better than this? Whoa! And to try to communicate with the species is just-WOW!" exclaimed Danny. He sat to Reed's left while Sato took the seat to the right behind the pilot as the shuttlepod glided to the planet.  
  
Reed and Sato exchanged a quick roll of their eyes. Like Sato, Danny was an Ensign, but the man had a naivete that--nay, he was a rube, plain and simple. It was Liz Cutler's bad luck that a knife had slipped as she was demonstrating to Chef how well she had sharpened his cutlery. That accident had meant that Danny was the next exobiologist available for the mission.   
  
"This is just too cool. Hey, what does that but--"  
  
"DON'T TOUCH THAT!" exclaimed Sato while trying to keep from slapping Danny's hand away from the console. Reed gave her a quick thank-you nod, but she could see his grip tighten on the controls.  
  
"Gee, Hosh, you're really jumpy, aren't you?" Sato cringed at the abbreviation of her name, let alone its use by Danny.   
  
"You will refer to our Communications Officer as Ensign Sato while on this mission," Reed said quietly.  
  
"And any other time, for that matter," chimed in Sato in her driest voice.   
  
"Okay, I'm cool with that military stuff. But don't you worry, we men will protect you. Right, Mal?" affirmed Danny with a pat to Reed's shoulder. The Lieutenant turned his head to achieve eye contact with Danny, but didn't say a word. Danny moved his hand off the man's shoulder quickly. "Um, I meant, Lieutenant Reed."   
  
Reed turned his attention forward again, but said, "I expect this to be a QUIET mission, Ensign, but if trouble should arise, I'm sure Ensign Sato will be able to help you out of it."  
  
As they were getting their equipment out of the shuttlepod, with Danny still emitting Wows at odd occasions, Reed whispered to Sato, "Once he completes his assignment, I can accidentally stun him so that we can have some peace on the flight back to the ship."  
  
Sato flashed the Lieutenant a wide grin. She could really like him sometimes. "I get to take the shot, Lieutenant."  
  
Reed nodded firmly, then turned to Danny, "Ensign, remember that you are only to scan the life forms and not take any samples. The Sub-commander could only speculate that the blue plant life is sentient, but it's best if we leave things undisturbed. Stay within the perimeter I establish. Clear?"  
  
"Yes, sir," responded Danny quickly, only to ruin it by turning on his scanner and saying, "Wow."   
  
Reed checked the probes that would provide detailed readings for T'Pol and mark the perimeter for their mission. She had specified these coordinates for their survey so that plant life was minimally disturbed. There were some burrows already in the dirt and the Vulcan had logically determined that these would be ideal to avoid excessive disturbance of the land around the allegedly sentient plants. Reed inserted the probes precisely to the depth specified by T'Pol.  
  
The Vulcan Science Officer shared a preoccupation for meticulous details with Reed. Lately they had established an unacknowledged competition on who could be more of a perfectionist--or pain in the ass, Tucker had observed. Reed assumed he would lose, but he could certainly give their Science Officer a run for her money. Anal-retentive was his middle name! Why did that sound so unflattering?  
  
Reed kept glancing at his companions as he set about his work. Danny needed a watchful eye because his enthusiasm and witlessness made him unpredictable. Sato needed a watchful eye because, well, simply because he enjoyed watching her. Besides, it was his job to see to the safety of the crew.   
  
Sato moved with quick--and silent--efficiency as she inserted the earphones and activated her scanner. Sentient meant there was a capacity for communication. It could be an indication of intelligence, but then Porthos successfully communicated his desire for cheese without uttering a word.   
  
Sato sighed as the time passed without incident and without any indication of sentient life other than Reed and herself. She had long excluded Danny from the description. Sato tried one more adjustment on the frequency as she scanned the area. There it was! "Lieutenant, I think I have something."  
  
Reed immediately went to her side. Sato turned enthusiastically to him as she showed him the readings. "It's coming from that grove of trees. Is there any way we can adjust the perimeter?"  
  
The Lieutenant looked back at Danny who could be seen mouthing the word Wow even from this distance. Still, the man was staying where he was supposed to be. "How about I follow you so can get closer to the grove you're interested in? If we stay along those rocks we should be able to move without disturbing much."  
  
At that moment, they heard a very loud WOW! Reed visibly cringed. "We'll leave Danny here; he seems safe enough."  
  
At Sato's nod, Reed turned to call, "Ensign, you are to stay within the perimeter while we go investigate a bit. Be sure to call me if there's any problem with the probes."  
  
"I understand, sir--WOW!" Danny barely looked up.  
  
Sato and Reed shared a sigh before moving to the grove. Sato called Enterprise to advise them of their minor excursion, but approval was immediate. Reed was vigilant as Sato continued her scans. The smile on her face was quite enchanting as she solved another puzzle. She finally turned to the Lieutenant to say, "It's complex, but more like the type of communication one finds in the honeybee dance."  
  
"But you'll still be the first to describe the information conveyed," offered Reed.   
  
"Oh, yes. Well, I think I have enough for now. Let's go bac--"  
  
"The damn fool! What is he doing?" Reed had already started to run back toward the original survey site. There were two trees near the perimeter and Danny had just stepped out of the designated survey zone. In fact he was now climbing one of the trees in a flurry of activity.  
  
Sato and Reed stepped back into the original survey site, then stopped in disbelief. The two trees appeared to be bending toward each other and Danny was now caught between the branches of both trees whose configuration now resembled a couple embracing.  
  
"HELP!" That certainly was an improvement from Wow.   
  
"Stay calm, Ensign," commanded Reed. All they needed was for Danny to panic and come tumbling down. "Call in the situation to Enterprise while I try to figure out a way to get him down, Hoshi."  
  
----  
  
Jonathan Archer sat in the Captain's chair reviewing Reed's latest permutation of the tactical alert. He smiled as he noticed the modifications Reed had made as he had consulted with other senior staff, but his musings ended when the comm line opened.  
  
"Ensign Sato to Enterprise."  
  
"Go ahead Ensign," said T'Pol who had opened the line. There was some static and the voice was not coming through well.  
  
"We bzzt situation here. bzzt Partridge is bzzt pair bzzt tree bzzt"  
  
T'Pol looked quickly at the Captain who was asking her, "Did I hear that right? Did she just say partridge in a pear tree?"  
  
"I believe it sounded like partridge in au pair tris. Captain, I believe that would be Ensign Partridge. I am uncertain of the rest. Some pollen has been released near the survey site that appears to be affecting the transmission."  
  
"Please repeat. Ensign Partridge is where?" Archer asked in his best command voice. He knew he shouldn't have let Trip share so much of that bourbon with him.   
  
Reed's voice next came on the line. "Trees are bzzting Ensign Partridge bzzt no immediate danbzzt"  
  
----  
  
Down on the planet, Sato was calling up to Danny. "Stay calm, Danny. I don't think they're trying to hurt you. I think they just want to--Oh my gosh!"  
  
Reed looked up from the communicator and was as dumbfounded as Sato. The trees looked as if one was inserting its trunk into the other and tendrils were extended from each tree. Reed and Sato exchanged a bewildered glance. The trees were now producing a strangely familiar rhythm.  
  
"It sounds like..." Sato couldn't finish.  
  
"A very enthusiastic..." agreed Reed and also let his voice drop out. Really, this was not the time for voyeurism.  
  
"Whoa! Hey..." Danny's voice was now giving no indication of alarm as the tendrils wound their way around him. "Ooo, that feels..."  
  
Sato said, "Do you suppose the probes we inserted could have set of the, ahem, pollen exchange?"  
  
"Let's test your hypothesis, Ensign. You take those two and I'll see to these," said Reed.   
  
"Hey!" yelled Ensign Partridge in dismay as the pair of trees began to move out of their contortion around him.   
  
"Good call, Hoshi!" said Reed to Sato before calling up to Partridge, "Come down, Ensign."  
  
Sato informed the Enterprise of the successful resolution of their dilemma as Danny scrambled down none too gracefully. He actually tumbled into Reed's arms who had been standing at the base of the trunk. Sato smiled at the look of disgust that quickly flashed across Reed's features at the contact.  
  
"Would you care to tell me exactly why you were climbing the tree, Ensign Partridge?" asked Reed as he set the Ensign upright and crossed his arms over his chest. Oh, here it comes, thought Sato and actually managed to give Danny a sympathetic smile.  
  
"Uh, sir, I was, uh." Danny sighed. "I got scared of the snake."  
  
"Snake!" Sato looked around. She didn't like snakes, but she also noticed Reed had whipped out his phase pistol and was looking around suspiciously, if not with a bit of panic in his own eyes. There it was, an empty snakeskin, coiled and completely innocent of any attack.  
  
Reed gingerly picked up the snakeskin with two fingers. As he rose the sheath uncoiled while Reed continued, "You mean this?"   
  
Danny nodded.   
  
"This skin that wouldn't even be emitting a life sign on your scans?"  
  
Another nod.   
  
"And in your expert opinion as the biologist assigned to this mission, you saw this as a threat without any empirical evidence to validate your assumption?"  
  
"Could you rephrase that question, sir?" asked Danny.  
  
"Never mind, Ensign. Why don't you take the snakeskin? I doubt anyone would believe us otherwise."  
  
"Whoa! Cool!" said Danny as he ran to the shuttlepod to get a container.  
  
"You said I could take the shot, remember?" said Sato to Reed. Both were staring in the direction of Ensign Partridge and had their arms across their chest.  
  
"You know, Lieutenant Reed, if I had my own phase pistol, I wouldn't have gotten spooked by the snake," Danny said by way of an excuse as he sauntered back to them to put the specimen in the container.   
  
Reed thought for a moment, made some adjustments to his phase pistol, loaded a new cartridge and handed it to Danny. "You do know how to use it, right? Very good."  
  
Reed quickly moved Sato away as Danny inspected the phase pistol by, yes, as predicted, looking down its barrel. Sato watched as the Lieutenant counted off with his fingers: one, two, three.  
  
As they stood over the prone body of Ensign Partridge, Reed commented, "You know, I even had the safety on when I gave it to him."  
  
"Hm," said Sato. Danny wasn't so unattractive when he was quiet, but really, a man needed to have SOME brainpower. "You weren't worried that he'd kill himself?"  
  
"Actually, I loaded the phase pistol with what I call the Stun cartridge. The Kill setting simply knocks you out longer when that cartridge is in place. Grab an arm, will you?"  
  
The two senior officers had a quiet flight back to Enterprise. Sato gave a sideward glance to Reed thinking, I REALLY like him sometimes.  
  
-----  
  
That night, Reed had a dream about target practice with Sato. Oddly enough, the holographic target took the appearance of Ensign Partridge. The best part of the dream was that the reward for hitting the target was a kiss. Not a single shot was missed.   
  
***** 


	2. Two Turtle Doves

TWO TURTLEDOVES  
  
December 27  
  
The morning staff meeting found Tucker and Mayweather snickering at the adventure Reed and Sato had experienced the previous day with Ensign Partridge.   
  
Captain Archer was putting his utmost effort into keeping a straight face as he asked the cool Vulcan to explain, "...so this sudden need for pollen exchange was set off when Lieutenant Reed inserted his, uh--"  
  
"Probes, sir," said T'Pol.   
  
Her Vulcan detachment merely served to make Tucker cough in order to suppress a chuckle. The engineer and helmsman were further amused when they saw Sato flash a speculative glance toward Reed--or rather, a certain part of Reed.   
  
The Lieutenant missed the appraisal of his assets because he was already blushing and closing his eyes. Then Sato realized Tucker and Mayweather had seen her quick assessment of Reed and also turned red. Tucker and Mayweather could hardly contain their delight.  
  
T'Pol continued her explanation. "Yes, I believe the insertion of Mr. Reed's probes were sufficient to set off a sexual cycle in the trees that is normally produced when the snake burrows. The snake sheds its skin in response to the change of seasons, then tunnels vertically near the roots. The probes served as a very strong stimulus."  
  
The Vulcan stopped abruptly as she noticed the expressions on the humans around her. She quirked an eyebrow thinking she would describe the meeting to Phlox. Perhaps the Doctor could enlighten her on their behavior. She was somewhat relieved when Archer ended the meeting.  
  
As the officers left, Tucker couldn't keep himself from patting Reed on the back to say, "Real impressive, Malcolm. Real impressive."  
  
"Probe envy, Commander?" asked Sato.  
  
Reed flashed her a smile of gratitude. Why hadn't he thought of that comeback?   
  
Tucker sputtered for a bit, then the Captain interrupted by saying, "Lieutenant, I think Ensign Partridge needs to spend some time in weapons training."  
  
Archer noticed Reed had visibly blanched. He looked as if he had been handed a death sentence. "Sir?"  
  
"If he lacks the capacity to keep from shooting himself on a mission, I think he needs a refresher on handling weapons. Don't you agree?" Archer noticed the sympathetic look Sato was giving to Reed.  
  
"Sir, I'll--I'll get Williams right on it," said Reed. There was no reason he had to oversee training of every crewman. Ensign Sato's weapons training was different. She was senior staff, after all.  
  
-----  
  
Ensign Sato had had a bad day. Not only had her EX-friends caught her sizing up Reed during staff meeting, he had been avoiding her all day long by puttering around the armory. The Universal Translator was not cooperating. And there had been no mail for her--again. It was time for the ultimate indulgence, so the linguist had put on her favorite blue t-shirt and comfortable slacks before emptying her precious candy stash of its contents.   
  
Sato lovingly touched the two pieces of chocolate she carried in her hand. Her mother had sent them via a Vulcan ship that intercepted them in early December. Dove Promises, rich milk chocolate squares with a little message in the foil wrapper. Her mother had been giving them to her for Christmas since she was a child. They would count out the number of Doves in a bag and ration the bounty between them, just the "girls." They even had an established ritual for consuming each piece. They would talk about their dreams for the future as the chocolate slowly melted away in their mouths.  
  
Sato had been selfishly hoarding her sweet stash and had only shared some with her Sato Elves to prevent a mutiny. Sato got a glass of iced tea and sat at a table in the empty mess hall as she anticipated enjoying her treats.  
  
Reed walked into the mess hall carrying a data PADD just as Sato had unwrapped her treasures. He had been avoiding her in the hopes that further embarrassing situations would be prevented, but the passionate look in her eyes made him stop. What could she possibly have on the table that would absorb her attention so intensely? He decided to investigate.   
  
The Doves lay naked with their wrapper spread around them like a blanket, innocent in their sweetness. The depraved Sato licked her lips as she anticipated her tongue caressing a morsel, but before she could ravish the candy, she heard the familiar accent asking, "Feeding an addiction, Ensign?"  
  
"Absolutely, Lieutenant. There's nothing like a Dove chocolate brought to room temperature before melting in your mouth, just pure, unadulterated chocolate," responded Sato in an amazingly whispery, sexy voice.   
  
Reed was enchanted by her voice and her absorption of the chocolate; however, Reed and Sato's expressions soon changed to a grimace when they heard an annoyingly familiar voice.   
  
"Lieutenant Reed! I wanted to thank you for setting up my weapons training schedule! I mean, wow, it was just--"  
  
That's as far as the narrative got before it was interrupted by an unfortunate stumble. Ensign Partridge tripped which sent the double-scoop, chocolate caramel sundae with nuts he had been carrying flying into the air.   
  
Sato watched in horror as the two scoops of ice cream magically popped out of the bowl. One scoop landed on the skin exposed by the V-neck of Sato's t-shirt. Sato stood up with a shriek.  
  
The glistening white orb on Sato's chest brought back all sorts of memories for Reed as he watched it glide slowly inside the shirt. Sato could only hold her arms out beside her in disbelief as the midline of her thorax was frozen. Reed wasn't thinking when he tugged the hem of the shirt out of Sato's waistband so that the ice cream would fall through. Well, it would have worked if she had been a man, but the scoop decided to stubbornly remain nestled between her breasts.   
  
Reed pulled the V of the shirt away from Sato and looked down her shirt to determine the problem. Again acting without thinking, he brushed his hand against her to move the intruder to a hasty exit. The scoop left a trail of vanilla ice cream along Sato's belly before landing on the floor with an exhausted plop between her legs.   
  
In the meantime, the top scoop of ice cream had decided to part ways with its partner and jealously guarded the toppings of chocolate, caramel and pecans. Gravity then decided to make its presence known, so the scoop complied by landing with a splat on the table. The toppings were jettisoned onto the previously unstained Dove Promises.   
  
"AAAAUGH!" was all the linguist could emit.  
  
Reed suddenly realized he was looking down Sato's shirt. Worse, his hand was still tugging at the V-neck. He quickly pressed her shirt against her chest which only served to stick the cotton fabric to her torso.   
  
In the meantime Danny, somehow completely unconnected to his environment, merely chuckled, picked up one of the soiled Doves and said, "Hey, two turtle Doves! Wow. I love chocolate turtles. Thanks, Ensign Sato."  
  
He popped one into his mouth and grinned foolishly. The savage look on Sato's face slowly began to register in his cerebral cortex as she began to gesticulate and say, "Ah, ah, ah.."  
  
"Run!" Reed was shoving the fool out of Savage Sato's view. The Beast had been unleashed and she looked ready to draw blood! Luckily Danny realized his danger and sped away.  
  
In a brilliant tactical maneuver, Reed collected the remaining Dove, swiped the toppings off with the thumb of his right hand, quickly transferred the morsel into his left hand and fired it into the target. He even clamped his hand over her mouth to ensure the proper detonation.   
  
The chocolate explosion soon bombarded Sato's senses and confusion reigned on her facial expression. Sad? Happy? Sad? Happy?  
  
In the meantime Reed licked the topping off of his right thumb since he didn't want to wipe it on his uniform. The look on Sato's face soon changed to something Reed couldn't quite define, but made him feel like a hunk of chocolate about to be devoured.   
  
"Um, sorry, Ensign. I didn't intend to, uh, you know, with your shirt--I mean with my shirt. That is my shirt by the--uh, never mind. How about you run along to your quarters?"   
  
Reed had moved his hand from her mouth. He saw the savage expression come back to Sato's face. "On second thought, how about I escort you to your quarters to ensure the safety of Ensign Partridge?"  
  
"''hank 'ou," said Hoshi as she walked dejectedly by Malcolm's side. The only good thing about the walk back was the last Dove chocolate slowly melting in her mouth. And Malcolm's arm around her shoulder.  
  
Just as they reached her door, Malcolm heard Hoshi emit a low groan. He observed, "All gone?"  
  
Hoshi merely nodded, but clearly said, "Retribution. I demand retribution."  
  
"No phase pistols," commanded Malcolm.   
  
Hoshi merely frowned, sniffed, and entered her quarters never realizing that her shirt front had been plastered to her body the entire walk to her quarters. Of course the Lieutenant had not registered his arm around her the entire time, either, until he walked back to his quarters and noticed his arm felt quite empty.  
  
-----  
  
After a cold shower, Reed was able to fall asleep, but tonight his dreams were disturbed by visions of Hoshi Sato and some very involved procedures for eliminating ice cream. He woke up convinced that vanilla was his favorite flavor.  
  
***** 


	3. Three French Hens

THREE FRENCH HENS  
  
December 28  
  
"Captain, we're receiving a distress call from a cargo ship. It's the Lafayette," reported Ensign Sato from her communications station on the bridge.   
  
"The Lafayette? It's a Boomer ship, sir. The Captain was Etienne Drut. He doesn't speak English," added Mayweather.  
  
"Lieutenant?" asked Archer in an attempt to conform to the new protocols for evaluating distress calls.  
  
"Sir, there is nothing to indicate the transmission is not from the Lafayette," said Reed as he perused his scans. "The ship is currently drifting."  
  
"T'Pol, anything to add?"   
  
"Sir, the sensor readings suggest the ship is in no immediate danger. I would expect the crew needs some engineering support." The Vulcan was also evaluating her scans and had not looked up either.  
  
"Lay in the course, Travis." Archer then contacted Engineering. "Trip, looks like we have a Boomer ship that needs some help. Be prepared for a little excursion."  
  
-----  
  
Reed helped Tucker prepare the shuttlepod mumbling, "Of course they don't speak English. They're French!"  
  
"Uhuh, and that means that the ship's linguist will have to come on this mission, so quit groaning and think about the bright side," said the Chief Engineer. Really, were the British all thick-headed numbskulls where women were concerned? Nah, it was just Malcolm.  
  
"Commander," even the roll of Tucker's eyes did not deter Reed from insisting, "Our linguist is a fine officer and I admit I admire her abilities, but that is the extent of my interest."  
  
"Yup, that's why you were staring down her shirt in the mess hall last night? Uhuh," said Tucker without skipping a beat as he checked his toolbox.  
  
Reed looked stunned and sputtered, "How did--when did--where the hell were you?"  
  
"Don't get so riled up, Malcolm. I was just complimenting Chef on a fine dinner and when I stepped out of the galley, there you were grabbing Hoshi's shirt while you were sending some poor boy off in a run. Looked like some sort of weird foreplay with you cramming the chocolate in her mouth then licking the sticky stuff off your thumb. I thought I'd have to hose down the two of you, but then y'all left."  
  
"It was Partridge! The fool sent his ice cream all over the place, absolutely ruined Hoshi's last bit of chocolate. I was just trying to prevent her from killing him!"  
  
"Looked more like you were chasing off the competition," said Tucker.  
  
"There is NO competition. Hoshi dislikes him even more than she dislikes me."  
  
Trip stopped what he was doing for a moment and truly looked at his friend. The man was actually sincere. "What do you mean, Hoshi dislikes you?"  
  
Malcolm pressed his lips into a thin line while he closed the locker he was checking a bit too loudly. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?"  
  
"What's obvious?" asked Sato as she arrived at the shuttlepod.   
  
"That we need a translator on this mission," said Reed while giving Tucker a warning look.  
  
Sato just shook her head. "We also need a physician. There's been a severe case of food poisoning that shut down the crew of the Lafayette. Dr. Phlox is getting his supplies together. The other important news is that Captain Drut finally disclosed the problem with his engines. It appears that the ship is transporting some, shall we say, contraband?"  
  
Reed shook his head wearily. See, this was why a security officer was always needed on the team.   
  
Sato continued when she saw she had the men's full attention. "The Lafayette is transporting fighting roosters to a colony that Captain Drut refuses to name. Apparently cockfights are still quite popular. They were transporting one cock and three hens of the Combattant du Nord breeding stock. The hens flew the coop and got into engineering. The rooster followed and is being very aggressive in protecting his new territory."  
  
"I'm supposed to chase down chickens?" asked Reed incredulously.  
  
"We'll have a poultry specialist joining us to capture three French hens and one French cock, er, rooster." Sato smiled and sighed inwardly in relief. All she needed was more innuendoes flying between her and the Lieutenant, especially in front of Tucker.  
  
"Them gamecocks are pretty mean, Malcolm. I had a little bantam once, his feathers were all black and shiny. Charles A. Chicken, Chuck for short. I gave him the best grain feed, but the damn thing would still try to attack me. Yup, ornery little cuss, not that I'm making comparisons to anyone here," assured Tucker.  
  
"You named a chicken after yourself?" asked Reed, ignoring the obvious metaphor.  
  
"Wanted to call him Charles Tucker the Fourth, but my mama wouldn't hear of it," admitted Tucker. "Hey, there's Dr. Phlox. Need a hand with that, Doc?"  
  
As Tucker rose to help the physician, Reed and Sato heard the Voice that made them cringe.   
  
"Wow, another mission, I mean, can you beat that for luck this week?" asked Ensign Partridge as he stepped up to the team.  
  
Sato's eyes were beginning to glaze over when she noticed Reed giving her a warning look. Oh, all right, she'd let the chocolate thief live. Reed was just too touchy about the safety of the crew!   
  
"Ensign Partridge, I assume you're here because you're the poultry specialist?" Reed asked and was able to hide his disbelief that the man held expertise in anything.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Chickens and I go back a long way. . ." The Ensign continued his discourse on the virtues of chickens throughout the entire flight to the Lafayette. While Phlox was entertained, the humans were not. Even the good natured Chief Engineer wanted the man stunned into silence.   
  
"Now do you understand?" asked Reed of Tucker. Luckily this time Sato and Tucker were sitting behind the pilot.  
  
Tucker quickly whispered, "I think I'll call him Gonzo. It suits him."  
  
Sato looked puzzled. "Why Gonzo?"  
  
"There was a puppet--"  
  
"You mean the Muppets!" said Sato as she caught the reference to a historical puppet show. She lowered her voice. "Gonzo was the one obsessed with chickens, right?"   
  
"Wonderful. We have an Ensign whose most favorable comparison is to a puppet who was always trying to blow himself up." Reed noticed the surprised looks from his colleagues. "Explosions? Gonzo was always shooting himself out of a canon."  
  
His friends nodded in understanding, though were still surprised Reed was familiar with Muppets. Sato then quietly asked, "I don't suppose there's any way you could fire Partridge out of--"  
  
"Don't tempt me," said Reed.   
  
-----   
  
Ensign Sato was translating as Dr. Phlox began his medical treatment of the crew of the Lafayette.   
  
"Captain Drut wants the chickens apprehended with minimal damage. They're very valuable breeding stock," Sato did not translate the 'more valuable than the Englishman you have with you' comment, "and are very sensitive."  
  
Reed nodded and held back an exasperated sigh. Tucker perked things up by saying, "Just think of it as a hunting expedition, Malcolm."  
  
The Commander then turned to their resident Chicken Man, "Ensign Partridge, why don't ya lead us to this chicken dance. Once we've found 'em, the Lieutenant's in charge."   
  
"Wow, I get to lead? Cool." Tucker, Reed and Sato all rolled their eyes. Dr. Phlox observed this and wondered how Ensign Partridge had managed to induce such synchrony.  
  
"Commander, when we get to Engineering, we'll need to split up to capture the chickens with the net. If that doesn't work, we'll use the tranquilizers." Reed took the tranquilizer darts from Doctor Phlox who had prepared a special drug for the rogue fowl.  
  
Tucker nodded, then said, "Ensign Partridge, you'll be with me. Lieutenant, you and Ensign Sato will flank 'em."   
  
"I think Ensign Sato should stay here, Commander, after all she's needed to--" Reed was interrupted by Captain Drut.  
  
"Doctor, that tastes terrible!" said the Boomer Captain very clearly in English.  
  
"Well, then, I suppose not. Ensign Sato, you're with me," agreed Reed, then whispered to her as they followed Partridge and Tucker, "I know how good your aim is, Ensign, so don't try anything."  
  
"Why, Lieutenant, stunning is too good for a chocolate thief. He needs to suffer," said Sato while she gave a look of wide-eyed innocence to Reed. Her brown eyes almost appeared as saucers. Damn, she was good at that.   
  
"No tranquilizer darts, either," Reed warned as he indicated the dart guns he carried with him. Sato pouted. She was awfully good at that, too.  
  
-----  
  
The chicken assault team of the Enterprise did not need the leadership of Ensign Partridge to track down the rogue rooster and his harem. The smell was sufficient to lead them. The gamecock was arrogantly strutting on the floor while the three French hens appeared to coo in admiration from their nesting place on the platform around the engine.   
  
"Yes, those are chickens!" proclaimed Ensign Partridge.  
  
This time Reed had to prevent Tucker from stunning the man.   
  
Partridge continued, "Yeah, people typically think of the Houdan breed when they think about French chickens. You know, the foofy looking black ones? But the Combattant du Nord are quite colorful. You'll notice the cock has its comb and wattle clipped."  
  
Reed and Tucker exchanged a pained look. Whatever that was, it sounded horribly uncomfortable.   
  
"Ahem, he means the comb on the top of the rooster's head and the red thing that sticks out from its neck," Sato explained carefully and smiled as a look of blatant relief now adorned the men's faces.   
  
It appeared that Partridge had met his quota of intelligent sentences because he continued with, "Wow. Chickens in space. I mean, how cool can that be?"  
  
"Let's just get the nets over them and be done with it so that Commander Tucker can see to the engines. Get into position." Reed was in full tactical mode. No chicken would escape his grasp.  
  
The Armory officer gave one net to Tucker, then distributed the tranquilizer guns to Sato and Tucker while completely ignoring Partridge's outstretched hand. He and Sato moved in symmetry with Partridge and Tucker to achieve their attack coordinates.   
  
Partridge suddenly stopped to point. "Wow, like the hens have laid eggs! Cool."   
  
Without waiting for further instructions, Partridge moved to climb the ladder to the platform that the hens had adopted for their nest. The three French hens were very offended by the ill manners of the provincial Ensign and immediately began pecking at his hands while their rooster began attacking Partridge's rear with his beak. In the meantime, the smell of chicken poop began to waft throughout Engineering strongly.  
  
"Forget the nets, use the tranquilizer darts," said Reed. "Trip, take out the rooster since that's the clearest shot. Hoshi and I will target the hens. Ready..."  
  
Sato suddenly said, "Wait."  
  
Tucker was surprised when Reed immediately obeyed an officer of lower rank and even put his arm out to prevent Tucker from taking his shot. Talk about henpecked! Reed merely watched as Sato seemed to count off five seconds in her head, "Okay, now."  
  
"Fire," said Reed and the tranquilizer darts went flying.   
  
The rooster looked surprised at the sharp sting and turned his aggression toward a new target. The fowl assumed an attack posture but then stiffened and fell like a cardboard cutout at Commander Tucker's feet. Tucker sighed in relief and tossed the net on the bird when the leg began to twitch.   
  
In the meantime, Sato and Reed had shot two hens who had agreeably collapsed in place, but the third did a quick flight to the top of Partridge's head, probably the safest place for him to be pecked.   
  
Reed loaded another dart and took a clear shot, still uncertain whether Sato would aim for the Partridge or for the chicken.   
  
Partridge had the presence of mind to catch the hen when she fell, then sank to his knees in exhaustion. He sniffed the air in disgust.  
  
"Ensign Partridge, find the nearest lavatory and get cleaned up. Next time remember to wait for instructions. I think you've already received sufficient reprimand for your inopportune behavior," said Reed. "Would you agree, Commander?"  
  
"Certainly, Lieutenant." Tucker was already heading for the engines. "And take those foul beasts with you."  
  
Reed and Sato placed the quiescent hens into the other net. They could hear Partridge cooing to them about being beauties as he set off to clean himself up and confine the fowl to their coop.  
  
"Did you find this a fitting retribution, Ensign?" asked Reed.  
  
"It will suffice, Lieutenant," said Sato with a sudden grin, then closed her mouth immediately. Their shootout with the chickens had left quite an odor in the air.   
  
"Chicken shit!" The expletive flew out of Tucker's mouth very loudly and with exceeding disgust.   
  
Reed and Sato looked up at the Engineer.   
  
"It's full of chicken poop! That's what the problem is." Tucker flew down the ladder to the other two officers. "Okay, you two get some protective gear and a face mask and clean it out."  
  
Tucker was already walking to the shuttlepod when Reed and Sato came to their senses. "Wait. You don't mean you want us to--"  
  
"Clean up the aforementioned bird poop? Yup, we'd waste time to shuttle anyone else over right now, so both of you suit up and get that clean while I get some fresh air into my lungs." Tucker continued to walk with them to the shuttlepod.  
  
"Aren't you going to supervise the clean up?" asked Sato in disbelief.  
  
"Nope, I FIX engines," Tucker insisted and was met with twin postures of arms across the chest and a look of Die, Tucker from both his friends. "Look, it's gonna take ya about thirty minutes to clean up, but it'll take me two hours to replace the components that the uric acid ate through. Now, run along and play nice. That's an order."  
  
-----  
  
"...and this is Trip's--wait, where were we?" asked Sato.  
  
"I believe the last section we cleaned was..." Reed began to sing softly to himself, "The rib bone's connected to the shoulder bone, the shoulder's connected to the neck bone.."  
  
"It WAS the neck, I'm pretty sure we're up to beheading Trip," said Sato with a nod.  
  
"I'm glad the dismemberment is complete because we're out of sections to clean," said Reed with a sigh. Reed opened his communicator very carefully and said, "Commander, Engineering is all yours."  
  
"Great. Oh, by the way, the Doc said the decon chamber would be a good idea for the both of you."  
  
"What? We were wearing protective gear," said Reed.  
  
"You gonna argue with the Doc on medical decisions?" asked Tucker, knowing full well Reed's previous interactions with Phlox. He took the silence on the other end to mean compliance, "Doc will be back soon, so just stay in decon until he gets back. Ya'll send Travis to pick us up in about two hours. Leave Partridge here. He's actually good at settling down the chickens and fixing their coop."  
  
-----  
  
The things he had to endure as Armory Officer, thought Reed. Imbecilic Ensigns, hostile poultry, and sadistic Engineers. Just look where the day had led!   
  
Malcolm shrugged his shoulders as Hoshi spread the decon gel along his back. He breathed in deeply. Nice clean air, soft, warm hands...phase arrays, very detailed schematics of phase arrays.  
  
"My turn," said Sato as she sat down beside Reed and held her hair off of her back.   
  
"What a day, wasn't it?" said Reed as he rubbed the gel onto her back. "Although I suppose now I don't have to worry about you eliminating Ensign Partridge. I do hope I never see another chicken again."  
  
Hoshi merely mumbled her agreement. It was nice to hear his voice so close to her ear. She could feel the calluses on his hands as they traveled up and down her shoulders, up and down, up and ...   
  
Reed suddenly stopped when he realized what he was doing. Good thing she couldn't see him blush. "All done."  
  
"I think you missed a spot, Malcolm," said Hoshi. "Better do the shoulders again. I don't want to suffer the ill effects of poop exposure."  
  
Malcolm had that characteristic half-smile on his face. His horribly stuffy name sounded so different when Hoshi said it. He wished she didn't dislike him so much, but he just kept accumulating negative points. Copulating trees, ruined chocolate, cleaning bird poop... He almost dreaded what would happen the next day.   
  
So a very contrite Armory Officer applied more lotion to the Linguist's shoulders until she was satisfied. He had gone through the entire schematics of the armory in the meantime. They sat quietly for a time with their shoulders barely touching.   
  
"Malcolm, do you think it's strange that since Christmas we've had these weird adventures?" asked Hoshi.  
  
Perfect, now she was even acknowledging her misfortunes in his company. Well, he could always try to pin the blame on someone else. "Um, I lumped it with having Partridge as a catalyst for bad luck."   
  
"That's just it. Partridge in a pair of trees. Then he creates two turtle Doves by supplying the toppings and spoiling my little virgin chocolates. And today we had three French hens to deal with. Do you think it's all coincidence?"  
  
"It sounds like a Christmas story gone awry; don't fret about it. Besides, the first day of Christmas was actually December 25th, Christmas Day."  
  
"Okay, but if we get four calling birds tomorrow, I'm going to scream."  
  
Malcolm nodded but decided he'd hide from Hoshi for a few days. Surely her luck would improve without him around. The two officers were startled out of their thoughts by Dr. Phlox.  
  
"Lieutenant? Ensign? What are you doing in decon?" asked the Doctor brightly.  
  
"What do you mean? We're just following your orders," said Hoshi as she and Malcolm exchanged a bewildered glance.  
  
"I gave no such orders, Ensign Sato," said Phlox with a cheery grin.  
  
"But Commander Tucker said that you had said decon would be a good idea for us." Reed couldn't believe how his brain was functioning like pudding.  
  
"We were talking about how edgy the two of you have been recently. I said the stress-free environment of the decon chamber would probably help--how shall I put this--reduce tension."  
  
"Hey, guys. Feeling all nice and clean now?" Trip peaked in through the observation window and saw his two friends standing once again with their arms across their chests and a Die, Tucker expression on their face. Man, ya just couldn't please some people!  
  
"Come on, I just thought you'd like some clean air and down time. Uh, Doc, is there anyway to lock 'em in? Great! And keep 'em there until I'm gone."  
  
-----  
  
That night Lieutenant Malcolm Reed dreamed he was a rooster, but instead of a harem of hens in his chicken coop, there was only one with dark feathers and large, almond eyes. In her nest were four little chicks with downy feathers peeping in quiet contentment as they all lived on the homestead of Farmer Tucker. Reed began to think that chickens didn't lead just a bad life after all.  
  
*****  
  
Author Notes:   
  
All puns are intended. 18 pages. Written December 11, 2002 and posted at LD.  
  
No reviews are necessary. Thanks for taking the time to read the story. The fiasco continues in Twelve Days 2 which I'll post within the next few days. 


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